Parenting Through separation.

Separation and divorce are one of the most stressful situations a person can go through.  The impacts are far reaching from your children to your family and friends.  At Smart Legal family Law, we have seen it all.  We have watched anger and negativity destroy good people.  We have seen lives destroyed because of mistrust and hurt.  But we have also born witness to people thrive and be better apart than they were ever together.

Every situation is different and every family unique.  Guilt, worry and self-doubt are all natural parts of the emotional process.  Parenting with an ex-partner in the early days can be an absolute minefield of emotions for everybody.

Because of this, we thought it might be helpful, to put together our top tips on Parenting through the separation process.  After all, the little people in our lives don’t understand and also need help navigating these changes.

1. Zip the lip!
This goes for both parents and your extended family and friends.  Your child’s innocent ears do not need to hear the ins and outs of he saids and she saids.  Nor do they need to hear the complexities of financial decisions or custody arrangements.  Negativity can cause great anxiety in children of all ages especially when it is from the people they love and trust the most.  Show each other respect (no matter how you feel) and do your best to keep those lips sealed! Allow your children the opportunity to form their own opinions helping them to feel confident in their abilities to assess situations and voice their feelings.  Speak with love and kindness and continue to be fair.

2. Talk to your kids
Where we said zip the lip to negativity, here we say open up the forum for thoughts and feelings.  Leave your own perspectives at the door and allow them to come to you with what they need and how they feel.  Give them the opportunity to ask you questions.  This is your chance to let them know that change is happening, but you have everything under control.  Let them cry, let them know feelings are normal and it is good and healthy to talk about them.  Stop and hug them tight, give them space to consider their thoughts and have the patience to listen to them. But most of all continue to let them know you love them and that it isn’t their fault. That as a team, you will continue to work together towards a happy future.

3. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat!
Routine is EVERYTHING especially through a separation.  Life must go on and for the most part it should go on the same.  Living between new homes can throw out routines but work with your ex-partner to ensure the same rules apply including bedtime, dinner time, healthy habits and homework.  Routine has to include house rules and discipline too.  Often the guilt can be too much to bear so maintain your stance and try to avoid spoiling them through this time. 

Co-parenting is a whole new world but by working together, you will find it’s not just helpful to the kids.  Respecting each other’s needs and being patient with each other can help the whole show run a lot more smoothly, and we don’t just mean the hand overs.  Being respectful of your ex-partner can have some huge benefits with your child’s behaviour making home life a hell of a lot easier!  So, get on board with each other and set rules early on that are realistic and watch your children thrive.

4. Love yourself.
Easier said than done but probably one of the most important.  Separation and divorce can play havoc with our self-esteem and self-confidence.  The grief and the anger can be all consuming and because of this, it is more important than ever to take some time to yourself.  

Enlist the help of family and friends, put the kids into childcare.  Give yourself alone time to vent, rage and cry.  It is hard to teach our kids resilience and respect when you’re a basket case on the floor.  Seeing tear soaked faces and trying to make your children smile just isn’t going to cut it.  

Kids need to feel confident you have this in the bag no matter what you are really feeling so get up and get out.  Do what you need to.  Have coffee with friends, get to the gym, exercise and release those endorphins.  Journal your thoughts and feelings and seek help from your GP or counsellor. Eat well, get a haircut, take time to heal yourself and be positive.  Positivity breeds positivity so ask your friends and family to back you up and help your through this time by refraining from negativity around your children.

So, there you have it.  Some basic tips to help you navigate separation or divorce.  Smart Legal Family Law know the complexities you are facing through this life changing time so be sure to contact your family GP or counsellor if you are struggling.  We understand the grief and pain associated with a relationship breakdown but we want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.